Becoming Married
By Andrew & Terri Lyke
There is a difference between getting married and becoming married. Getting married is a pivotal event for a couple. It is the beginning of a new life, the culmination of a budding relationship. It is a profound profession that publicly reveals love that is meant to last forever. Getting married is an achievement, an arrival, and a threshold to a promise.
In our modern culture, many couples never get beyond that threshold experience. All it took to get to that moment—the initial attraction, courting, getting serious, the proposal, the wedding—is the price one pays for "getting married." However, getting married is only one piece of the pie. It’s not even the beginning; it’s only a stop along the way.
Becoming married is another proposition. Herbert Anderson and Robert Cotton Fite, in their book, Becoming Married , say, "We may fall in love or into marriage but we do not fall into becoming married. That requires self-conscious intent."
In some ways it starts long before a couple even know each other. Perceptions of marriage that are shaped by the marriages around them, from birth to the present, influence that "becoming." Cultural influences, ethnic, regional, generational, and from their families of origin, inform (or misinform) them about marriage.
Becoming married also includes discerning the call from within to discover one’s vocation in life. It’s discerning a life of faithful commitment. This is very important. Such discernment may lead to consecrated life in the Church. It may lead to a particular profession. It may lead to a life of celibacy. Whatever it leads to, prayerful discernment about one’s vocation—responding to God’s call—leads to a life with passion and meaning. Marriages that are born of this kind of discernment are most promising because they are shaped by faith.
Becoming married takes a turn toward the particular when a couple chooses each other. Their prayerful discernment continues through the engagement period. The wedding becomes more of a crescendo than an achievement.
Their becoming continues well into the marriage. As they traverse the stages of life they continue to learn how to be committed to each other. At each stage, there is new becoming—as new parents, with adolescent children, as empty nesters, through illness, in retirement, even when a spouse dies.
Essentially, becoming married is a journey that begins as a response to God’s call—a life of vocation, and extends throughout life. It is experiences of transformation and conversion.
Last October we celebrated 25 years of marriage. Reflecting on this milestone, we appreciate our growth and many experiences of transformation and conversion. It is a major achievement for us. Yet, like getting married, getting to 25 years of marriage is but a step in our life of faith and commitment. While we revel in it, it is exciting to realize that the adventurous journey continues and we are still becoming married.
Questions for Reflection
What was your earliest impressions of marriage?
How old were you?
Who were people involved?
Were the experiences positive or negative?
How have those early impression impacted your marriage?
How has becoming married shaped your values?
What has changed in your perspective on marriage since the wedding?
Terri and Andrew are long-time leaders in marriage ministry in the U.S. Married 25 years, they are advisors to the U.S. Bishops' Committee on Marriage and Family, columnists for Catholic diocesan newspapers around the country and writers for Catholic News Service. Andrew is the Coordinator of Marriage Ministry for the Archdiocese of Chicago.
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