Starter Marriage vs. Smarter Marriage

Recently I read a book by Pamela Paul titled The Starter Marriage and the Future of Matrimony. In the book Paul chronicles the sad stories of numerous young couples who had short-lived marriages. For Pamela Paul, a "starter marriage" is one that produces no children, lasts about five years or less and is usually ended by the early to mid thirties.

A persistent theme that was developed throughout the book is that the young people she interviewed who were involved in this starter marriage phenomenon never had much of a chance to be successful. You ask why they didn’t have much of a chance to be successful? According to Paul it was because their parents, and society as a whole, never showed them or told them how to stay married. Although a few people interviewed did mention that "maybe they could have worked a little harder on their marriage" for the most part they were content to blame their parents and society for not telling them how much work this marriage relationship was going to be. And, most thought they could not figure it out themselves.

Over and over in Paul’s book I read of couples who it seemed their most important issues as they were preparing for marriage were "How big is the ring?" Where is your reception going to be held?" and "How long is your honeymoon going to be?" With a wedding industry that does a reported 38 billion dollars worth of business every year in the United States, it’s easy to understand how some couples could be swayed into focussing on things that ultimately aren’t very important. These consumerist attitudes and often large amounts of debt brought into a young marriage are heavy burdens for many newly married couples.

Paul’s couples are the same people who are Internet experts, are in law school, have high-powered executive positions or are on Wall Street. I bet, for the most part, their parents and society didn’t teach them those skills either. They had to learn by taking classes, reading manuals, studying, by asking others. In short, they had to work at it. And, for those who are successful in their careers, they did work at it.

The same is true for marriage. It’s great to have had wonderful modeling from parents. But even if that’s not the case, by working at it, by studying, attending workshops, praying, reading magazines and books, etc. couples can have a successful marriage.

The habits we develop during the early months and years of marriage will help determine, to a great extent, the kind of marriage we have. Taking the time to focus on our relationships on a regular basis will serve us well into the future. Whether it’s talking ten minutes a day, a regular date night, each reading the same book then discussing it, the important thing is to start now to strengthen the marriage relationship you want to have.

As a newly married couple, what kind of marriage do you want? Do you want a "starter marriage" or do you want a smarter marriage?

The choice is yours.