Abundant Love

You are probably familiar with the story of the wedding at Cana, and many of you had it as the Gospel at your weddings. But I have wondered, why would Jesus perform his first miracle at a wedding? In the movie Soul Food, the boy Ahmad begins the story of his family with his Aunt Bird’s wedding because, as he says, "Everything happens at a wedding". And so Jesus, according to John, performs a miracle that seems to bring dignity to marriage. But I think the story has less to do with weddings than it does with wine and love. Wine will forever symbolize the joy of being loved by God, love that is overflowing and fills six water jars. Abundant wine, meant to be tasted and shared.

Why a wedding? Because the love shared by a man and woman, making a commitment to one another for a lifetime, has the potential of filling six water jars, spilling over to family and friends, to those they meet throughout their life together. The bride and groom are the celebrants of their union, and they vow to live as a sign to the community that God is with us. Marriage is a symbol of possibility, and the couple who tries to live as that symbol makes God’s love real for the world. Some of the fruits of this kind of marriage are unconditional love, a witness to real consensus, and hope for reconciliation. These three qualities are at the core of a strong marriage.

Unconditional love requires a commitment to self-giving. Couples who love unconditional allow themselves to be changed by the other. I experienced that love from my husband, Neil, early in our marriage. We did not have an easy start when we married. Neither of us were good at conflict or at communicating our feelings. I had been giving Neil a really hard time for a while, and felt ashamed of myself. I lashed out at him. "Why don’t you just leave? Why do you stay with me." He answered, "Because you are worth waiting for." His answer changed how I saw myself, and that helped to change my behavior. I felt loved, knowing he was willing to wait for me to grow up. It was a turning point for us.

In a culture that encourages independence, living a life of consensus is a challenge. The kind of consensus I speak of is not arguing until one gives up or gives in, it is sharing two distinct values systems to create a new set of shared values unique to each particular relationship. It is a blending of the best of each person, not swallowing individuality, but creating a space where persons can be fully themselves. It is carrying each other in our hearts. Every decision I make about work, about social engagements, about spending money, affects my husband and family. Sometimes I can consult, but even when that is not possible my decisions are based on the fact that I belong to Neil. It is not easy, but learning to make decisions for the good of the whole is a first step in any marriage.

A gift or grace in marriage is the ability to forgive. Married couples will forgive things in their lifetime that nobody else would forgive. God’s love for us is revealed when a married couple willingly enters into the chaos of conflict to fight for the sake of their relationship, and then struggles to forgive each other. Through the separating and coming together, in the brokenness and healing that takes place in any marriage, God’s faithfulness to God’s people takes flesh. When I married my mother gave me some very good advice. She said, "When you and Neil fight, don’t tell me, because you will forgive him and I won’t."

There is a covenant in marriage that gives a couple freedom to enter wholeheartedly into the struggle and to count on the presence of God’s grace to help heal the hurts that are caused. And the fidelity to that covenant is a sign to everyone that God’s forgiveness is waiting. Sacramental marriage grows in choosing each day to love unconditionally, to carry each other in their hearts, and to forgive completely. This living an ordinary life in an extraordinary way is the spiritual path of marriage, and will create a life of abundance, filling six water jars, transformed into wine, created to be shared.

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