In-Laws

Have you ever seen the movie, The In-Laws ? It’s a golden oldie, starring Peter Falk and Alan Arkin. They are two men whose children fall in love with each other. Arkin is a very successful, very proper and uptight dentist. Falk claims to work for the CIA, but he tells outrageous stories, one of which involved man-eating tse-tse flies. It is a wonderful far-fetched example of two very different families learning to live with each other for the sake of their children.

In My Big Fat Greek Wedding we see a bizarre family doing crazy things. We see a daughter who is embarrassed to introduce the man she loves to her parents, siblings and relatives. We also see that her beloved not only accepts her but also accepts her unique ethnic identity as expressed through the people she loves and who love her.

TV shows and the movies love to pick up on the theme of in-laws. Meet the Parents, and Everybody Loves Raymond come quickly to mind. Getting along with someone whose rules and expectations you don’t know is always hard, and sometimes it feels like a tug-of-war between a family of origin and a spouse, with the other spouse being the rope! Nobody wins in a contest like that.

The first thing to know is that there are no enemies here. Unless a family is really dysfunctional, they are just people who do things differently and once you understand their ways there are bound to be things you admire about them. After all, they raised your beloved!

Second, your spouse will understand the customs of your in-laws, and may not even understand why they seem different to you. Your spouse is busy learning the ways of your family, and probably doesn’t get why you’re surprised that they eat Chinese food on Thanksgiving, or that all socks go into one box and everyone draws from that box. So if you ask your spouses why they do things that way, the answer will probably be, "I don’t know. We’ve always done it that way."

Third, learning to get along with each other’s family is a gift you each give the other. And it may be the most valuable gift you give or receive during your marriage. If affects the two of you now, but later it will have a big impact on your children. Grandparents are very important, and the two of you are the gate through which the families have to pass to have a relationship with your children.

Fourth, what you say and do now in relation to your in-laws will set the tone for years to come. Getting off to a good start is very important because it is difficult to undo the first impression. Go slow and listen more than talk. Different families have different ways to show love, affection, approval, etc.

Fifth, begin to establish traditions and customs of your own. In this way you as a couple will have a third alternative on holidays and special occasions. You can choose to go to both sets of parents for Thanksgiving, Christmas, etc. or alternate visits from year to year. At some point you might want to do something unique to you as a couple and pass on which set of relatives you’ll be with on that special occasion.

Whether it is easy to be part of your spouse’s family or it’s a stretch, part of being married is working out a relationship with your in-laws. And it’s worth the effort.

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