An Active Program to Prevent Extra-Marital Affairs
by Barry McCarthy, Ph.D.
You have just gotten married—the idea of discussing risks of an extra-marital affair may seem foolish. Perhaps you think that good Catholic couples are immune from affairs and anyway affairs occur after many years of marriage as a result of boredom. Another belief is that as long as you have a loving marriage you need not worry about an affair: affairs only occur when there are marital or sexual problems. All of the above beliefs are myths!
The best way to deal with marital problems is prevention, and this is particularly true of the issue of extra-marital sex. In reality, affairs are more likely to occur in the first two years of marriage than after 20 years. Most people do not plan to have an affair but succumb to a high opportunity or high risk situation, and affairs can and do occur with loving, sexually functional couples (including Catholic marriages).
Types of Affairs
There are three major categories of affairs, although there are many differences in causes, types, and outcomes of affairs.
High Opportunity/Low Involvement Affair: This is the most common type of male affair involving a one night encounter, paid sex at a massage parlor or with a prostitute, or a high opportunity encounter at a convention or an out of town sales trip. The man would deny it was an affair or meant anything with the rationale that "boys will be boys".
Compartmentalized, Ongoing Affair: This type of relationship involves some degree of emotional connection, but is not viewed as in competition to the marriage. This could include meeting once a month at a motel, seeing the person whenever you are in town for business, being sexual for two weeks once a year when your spouse is out of town, or meeting for sex three times a year at a sales meeting. These type of affairs reinforce two adages- affairs are easier to get into than out of and the affair often becomes more involving and complicated than you intended.
Comparison Affair: This type of affair poses the greatest threat to the marriage for two reasons. First, emotional and/or sexual needs are met in the affair, not in the marriage. Second, this is the most common female affair and the gender reversal is likely to destabilize the marriage. The spouse feels emotionally and sexually betrayed.
Prevention Strategies
Rather than hoping or just praying that an affair will not happen, we suggest also a proactive approach. First, discuss the importance of fidelity to you personally, rather than just assume it is a given because you are married. Second, be honest with yourself and with your spouse about what kind of affair and what type of situation would be high risk for you. For example, some males feel vulnerable when drinking and feeling lonely or depressed while other men feel vulnerable to peer pressure that says a "real man never says no to sex." Some women are vulnerable to a neighbor or co-worker who asks her to help him and then it turns into a sexualized relationship while other women feel drawn to a flirting, fun non-intercourse relationship. Being aware of personal vulnerabilities is helpful, but not sufficient in terms of affair prevention. The third strategy is an agreement to talk to the spouse before acting out an affair. Affairs thrive on secrecy and impulse, and talking about a possible affair makes the process explicit. Also, it makes clear that this is a choice which will have consequences for the participating partner, the spouse, and the marriage. Discussing the issue makes it clear whether there is a marital problem, a problem of compulsive or addictive sexuality, a sexual dysfunction or dissatisfaction, or an individual problem that needs to be dealt with.
Closing Thoughts
An affair is almost always disruptive for a marriage, is an affront to the spouse, subverts intimacy and trust, and can threaten marital viability. We are opposed to affairs, but rather than leave it to chance we encourage you to show integrity and courage and actively discuss as a couple the meaning of marital fidelity and high risk people and situations. Develop an active program to nurture marital trust and intimacy.
Questions for reflections:
Have you discussed the importance of sexual fidelity with your spouse?
Do you have a clear and mutual understanding of the boundaries of marriage?
Consider ways you might be vulnerable.
How might Dr. McCarthy’s advice strengthen other aspects of your marriage?
How does your marital fidelity reflect God’s covenant?
Barry McCarthy, Ph.D. is a professor of psychology at American University, a practicing clinical psychologist, and a certified sex and marital therapist. He grew up in Chicago and graduated from Loyola University in 1965. With his wife of 35 years, Emily, he has authored Sexual Awareness: Couple Sexuality for the Twenty-First Century, 2002; Male Sexual Awareness, 1998; and Couple Sexual Awareness, 1998 all published by Carroll and Graf. This February Brunner/Routledge will publish Rekindling Desire: A Step by Step Program to Help Low-Sex and No-Sex Marriages. Dr. McCarthy has presented over 120 workshops and seminars nationally and internationally.
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