Fidelity and Marriage

The subject of infidelity in marriage has become a hot topic of late. An article in the June issue of this e-newsletter, several recently published books, TV talk shows, and professional journals have focused on the ultimate betrayal of infidelity. They have speculated on how and if couples can overcome it. I began my reflection for this piece by dusting off my Webster’s Collegiate Dictionary. It defines FIDELITY as "the quality or state of being faithful [with synonyms of] allegiance, loyalty, devotion, piety."

The definition expands to include "faithfulness to an obligation, trust, or duty," implying a promise, a promise that requires "steadfastness in the face of any temptation." I think our culture narrowly restricts fidelity—or faithfulness to use a more contemporary word—to the sexual relationship between a man and a woman in marriage. Nowhere in the definition is there a specific reference to sexual conduct. A quick check of the word "infidelity" reveals a more narrow definition: "lack of belief in a religion, unfaithfulness to a moral obligation, and marital unfaithfulness." (Webster’s)

So, how does a newlywed couple—Catholic or Interchurch—live out the promise made before God and a community of family and friends? Decision, priority, balance, and forgiveness are the keys. Decision is the operative word. Fidelity requires decision, decision to follow through on a pledge. Decide to act honorably. Decide to put your marriage as number one each day.

When you awake each morning, you know the world will pull each of you in hundreds of directions. "It is hard to imagine how a family can live faithfully, be life giving, and grow in mutuality without deliberately choosing to spend time together." (Follow the Way of Love, Pastoral Message, U.S. Catholic Bishops). Life is a balancing act. Employment, children, extended family, mundane chores, hobbies, friends, keeping healthy and fit, computer-time for whatever reason, and "me" time all compete for a slice of your daily 24 hours. It is easy to make any one of these your top priority.

It is very easy to take for granted the one person in your life that "will always be there" while you repeatedly work 60 hours a week or play volleyball 5 nights a week or nightly spend 4 hours on the computer. While the challenge is to strive for a healthy balance, when these other priorities become the norm, they pull you off course. They have become temptations that have worn down your steadfast commitment to your spouse. This, too, is the betrayal of infidelity. Your spouse is the Number One priority in your life, your True North. It is through his/her love that the face of Jesus is seen…that salvation is found.

When life gets out of balance, when your spouse is not your top priority, when you’ve lost true North, you are unfaithful. Forgiveness of a spouse who works too much, who always puts the children before their beloved, or who commits the ultimate betrayal of an extramarital affair is a huge decision. Forgiveness, like love, is a verb, and as Christians we are called to forgive. It is never easy but it is the antidote for infidelity, it is the means toward True North.

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