Newlyweds and In-laws

I’ve been curious about in-law tensions since I was two years old. My father's widowed mother-in-law moved in and shortly thereafter I experienced the strange tensions and sometimes arguments between two people I loved, my father and my grandmother.

That sensation was to return several times, when I became a new bride and sister-in-law and again after my son and a daughter were married within ten months of each other. What I learned from interviewing in-laws plus my formal education in social work motivated me to write a book (How In-Laws Relate: It's All Relative) to both reflect and improve our relations with our relatives through marriage. Since the first edition and second edition (Don't Call Me Mom/How to Improve Your In-Law Relationships) were published, times have changed but family issues have not.

There is no one right or wrong way to be an in-law. Nor is there any one-size that fits all solutions to difficulties. In this brief article I want to pass along some tips to consider right at the beginning of the marriage.

The first step begins with the newly married couple. Tugs from the in-laws may not seem as intrusive when each knows that he’s "Number One" with the other spouse. The bond grows between husband and wife when each considers the other's needs and wishes before those of anyone else. Indeed in Genesis the Bible directs, "Therefore shall a man leave the house of his mother and father and cleave unto his wife. (Genesis 2:24)" Establishing this "baseline" is perhaps the most important step in heading off in-law conflict.

A primary concern of a newlywed is what to call the spouse’s parents. A possible solution is to ask the parents-in-law what they prefer to be called. On the other hand, it would be helpful for parents to say; "I know it maybe hard for you to call me Mom or Dad. You may you use my first name."

Often, another early concern of newlyweds is dealing with sensitive matters such as borrowing money. Generally the husband should ask his parents, and the wife hers. The same holds true when setting up boundaries and voicing complaints. Sensitive matters should not be left unresolved between in-laws, especially as that relationship is in its formative stage.

"Simple graciousness and politeness are equal to wind and water in changing matters," said a Japanese father-in-law. Newlyweds say, "Please," or "Thank you," for kindness, gifts, and time spent helping around your house. Hopefully the parents will be gracious towards the newlyweds who phone to say, "How are you?" Parents like to see smiles on the faces of the newlyweds, just as much as adult children need to feel valued.

My advice can be summed up with the lyrics from a classic "The fundamental things apply, as time goes by." Newly weds should start by making their spouse feel like number one. Then newlyweds should follow the simple rules of consideration when dealing with their parents. And newlyweds should always follow the golden rule in dealing with their in-laws. Because if everything goes "right" one day, newlyweds will also be parents-in-law.

E-mail this page to a friend