Sticking Together Without Getting Stuck
by Mary Ann Paulukonis
Pull out your photo album or digital files. Find the first picture taken of you as a couple plus your favorite wedding portrait. Then get your spouse and head for the closest mirror. How have you changed since you met? Since you married? Do you look alike yet? It has been said that after a number of years of wedded bliss some couples grow so close they resemble one another. Perhaps you haven’t been married long enough.
How close must two people get in order to have a lasting marriage? Conversely, how much closeness can a good marriage tolerate? To put it bluntly, how can you stick together without being stuck with one another?
The art of marriage involves balancing closeness and distance. Your wedding photographer carefully focused the camera in order to produce your beautiful portrait. If (s)he had zoomed too close, the photo might show nothing but a nose; too far away and you would be unrecognizable. Like the camera you need to be close enough to get to know one another intimately while remaining apart enough to develop into the individuals God imagined at creation.
An enduring marriage needs two mature, self-directed persons united for the adventure of a lifetime. Sticking together requires healthy "self-ishness," high quality friendship, and commitment to one another and to the marriage.
In contrast, stuck spouses get locked into patterns of dependency upon one another and reactivity to one another. One or both may feel trapped in the marriage. As Erich Fromm said, "If I am attached to another person because I cannot stand on my own two feet, he or she may be a lifesaver, but the relationship is not one of love."
In the movie "About Schmidt ," Warren and Helen Schmidt got stuck in roles that made change difficult after his retirement. He knew insurance and she knew housekeeping but they didn’t know how to be lovers in life’s new phase. Warren continued to follow Helen’s rules–resentfully–even after her death.
Most marriages have some stickiness and accommodation. I might lovingly choose to do something my husband’s way despite contrary preferences. But if I habitually give up self to keep peace, our marriage will be a gummy mess instead of well-glued joinery.
Exaggerated imbalances signal a stuck marriage: an over-responsible partner matched with a helpless one, a perfectionist and a slob, an angry person and a pacifist, a blabber-mouth and a silent Sal. When one partner gets overly attached to alcohol, drugs, work, religion, or any "fix," the marriage could be stuck. As odd as it sounds, blaming, bickering, and attack/defense patterns indicate the partners are stuck together, needing more distance to get themselves into perspective.
My suggestions for sticking together without getting stuck are three-fold:
- Balance responsibility for self with responsible care for your partner. Identify your own desires and goals lest the care you exhibit for your partner be a subterfuge for meeting your own needs.
- Mutually dedicate yourselves to one another as friends. Note I say dedication to one another, not to harmony. Intimacy is not achieved without some conflict. When mature individuals like each other enough to devote themselves to one another, they work out differences.
- Commit to your marriage as bigger than both of you. Your marriage is a masterpiece you are creating together.
If you are two individuals who are best friends devoted to one another and your marriage, that wedding portrait will never fade.
Questions for reflections:
What do you most want for yourself?
What is the best thing you can do for your partner?
How can you tell whether you are dedicated to harmony or to one another?
What would your marriage look like as a masterpiece? Use imagination! Draw, construct, sculpt, compose, or act out your vision of your masterpiece marriage.
Mary Ann Paulukonis and her husband Jay have been sticking together for thirty-four years. Besides this work in progress they have two original creations named Michael and AnnMarie, now young adults, one newly married and one still looking for his perfect mate. Mary Ann and Jay run a custom stained glass studio where they collaborate to produce installations and art work. Mary Ann says working together is even stickier than marriage. To see how they pull it off, visit http://PaulukonisStudio.com.
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