Coach So As To Win
Michaelann Martin
It is not uncommon in our home for many young people to surround the television while watching a game in one sport or another. I guess you can expect that in a family with seven boys-including Dad. As our boys cheered while watching the NBA finals this year, I was amazed at how teams were able to rally from behind in order to actually win games. Intrigued, I watched one game with greater interest than usual and saw a team that was behind by more than 10 points take a time out, spend a few seconds with the coach, then reenter the court and score amazing points. The Dallas Mavericks scored so many points in this way that they overcame a deficit to win the Western Conference Title. What is it about a good coach, I wondered, that he can encourage such great results from his team?
Being a parent is a lot like being a coach to our familial team. We have the wonderful responsibility of working with the players that God has placed in our family (our children) in such a way as to produce championship results in our homes and in the world. As the new school year begins, we have a great opportunity to prepare our game plan and our team to produce maximum results while living with peace of mind in the busyness of the world.
The 5-P Strategy
For the sake of analogy, I am going to share the 5 P’s that I have seen successful coaches live well: Coaches have to plan ahead, praise and poke, practice, and party. As parents, it seems we too have these duties. A coach takes the time to develop game plans, also planning for the time needed to work on the skills required for each game. Taking the time to notice strengths and weaknesses and to figure out the best way to work on them is an investment that breeds peace in the midst of hard work and chaos. These same skills can be applied within our families.
Plan
We can do this in our families by taking time to plan our schedules. The old adage, "Those who fail to plan, plan to fail," seems to apply here. We can’t pass on something we don’t possess, so it is important for moms and dads to have order in their individual lives before they can bring it to the family and home. On a very practical level, each person needs to get things right in their interior life. Taking time to be with God each day helps put the natural things in the right order as God gives grace to those who seek Him and His will.
After God, it seems essential to keep one’s spouse at the top priority level. It is such a challenge in our busy lives to make time to enrich our marriages, but making dates and having fun with one’s spouse can give great peace and joy in dealing with the challenges of family life. It just so happens that when these two relationships-with God and one’s spouse-hold positions of highest priority, life’s other demands naturally find their ordered place within our schedules. For me, dates with God and dates with my husband are a must to my peace of mind.
Fall is a great time to write out a mission statement and plan yearly goals as a family. Set a time when everyone is home and try to make it a fun evening together. This is a great time to develop a strategy or game plan to have the maximum success by setting some goals together and talking about foreseeable challenges in the new year.
When you set a common goal for the family to achieve, you foster an environment for teamwork and help build your family’s "team identity." This could be a great time to revise the children’s chore chart or to adjust each child’s responsibilities within the family. Children will know that they can expect to work on these goals, and they actually might like knowing the plan and having a structure to work within. Some other possible topics to address are getting up in the morning at a set time and setting aside some time to pray as individuals or as a family before the day begins in order to spiritually charge the day.
Another possible goal is making sure that the family has a daily meal together. Younger families may find family meals very easy, but families with teenagers may need to work for this. Mealtime is not just a time to eat, but a time to talk, instruct, praise, and go over the family game plan on a regular basis. Sometimes this means rescheduling dinner so that the older children are home from practice, in which case knowing the schedule gives Mom the heads-up so that she can give the younger children a snack to hold them over until dinner.
Another item to think about discussing in this family meeting is the annual budget. This can be a very effective tool for teaching children about managing money, tithing, and the costs involved in caring for the needs of the family. As children grow, it is exciting to see them take more ownership and initiative in mentoring the younger children in these responsibilities.
Praise and Poke
Coaches have a challenging job in recognizing and responding to the strengths and weaknesses in players in order to coordinate them into a team. We get to do the same in our families. It is wonderful to see the strengths of our children and praise them accordingly. Conversely, we need to see their weaknesses in order to root out vice and encourage virtue. It is a huge challenge to spend time in both of these areas. If coaches spend too much time on the negatives and none on the positives, the players might not be motivated to play their best. The same is true with our kids. Everyone needs to hear loving words of affirmation and praise for a good deed or job well done, but if we are not constantly challenging each other to be more like Christ then we could easily fall into mediocrity.
Praising and poking happens everyday. In a larger family, children have built-in playmates in their brothers and sisters, but as my husband and I have seen, each child needs time alone with Mom and Dad to feel special, too. Praising can take place in both contexts, but "poking" is best done in the latter setting. While praising in front of others is often affirming, we have found it fruitful to take each child aside on an individual basis to encourage and love as well as to talk about what may need work at that given time. The privacy this allows helps Mom and Dad’s instruction to elevate each child’s dignity instead of tearing it down. While it is challenging for parents to practice both praising and poking often, it is especially valuable to make time in our busy schedules to have "special alone time" with each child.
Practice
It is in the ordinary occurrences of each day that family members over time become great players and a fabulous team. Each individual must practice to be better, and as a family we can set aside time to share challenges and concerns with another individual or with the whole family. Living the natural order within the family brings peace in the midst of daily struggles.
Just as our children practice sports each day, we practice living as Christians in the world each day. Our job is so much easier when we get our instructions from the Father. As we are challenged in our adult lives to always be better, holier, and more like Christ, we encourage our children on the same path. It is in practicing that we prepare our children to play well always so that when the big "games" arise, they will be up for the challenge and experience success.
Party
The greatest feelings are those of victory, and we have so many opportunities to celebrate the small and large victories that we experience in our families each day. Whether it is witnessing our children take responsibility in the family by doing their chores, asking politely for Mom to pick one up after a practice, or being prompt in getting up and getting dressed for school, there are many chances to rejoice in the little victories. We even get to witness big ones as they grow into adults and their choices reflect years of training and diligent work.
It is our goal to be united with our children one day in heaven, and everything we do here on earth can be a step closer to that victorious goal. The little ways we live our faith within our families now will hopefully have rich results-just imagine the kids pouring that heavenly barrel of Gatorade over your head. All the struggles and extra time we take to plan, praise, poke, and practice with our team will lead to a heavenly party when the game is through.
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Michaelann Martin writes from Greeley, CO. She is the author of Women of Grace and coauthor of Family Matters. Article reproduced with permission from Lay Witness magazine. Copyright © Catholics United for the Faith. All rights reserved.
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