Chastity Rules
Mary Ann Kuharski
I love teenagers. At one time during the throes of our parenting years, I think we had seven who were between the ages of 12 and 20. Let me just say, nothing brought more laughter, love, spontaneity, and unpredictability and helped keep us "in the twenty-first century" like a houseful of adolescents and young adults.
The Teen Spirit
Give a teenager an issue or an idea and you may get a response nothing short of breathtaking and beautiful. OK, so sometimes "breathtaking" is an understatement for the things they can come up with.
Unlike adults, who can become so analytical that it prevents them from doing the noble rather than the comfortable, most teens aren’t afraid to tackle the unknown or the difficult— all they need is passion and the notion that their involvement can make a difference. Teens are idealists and gravitate toward goals that offer to challenge and strengthen them.
Their music, their hair, their interests, and their friends all become an "expression" of who they are. I was always relieved when our kids chose some outrageous hairdo or outfit. I figured they were so busy helping me get over the shock that they wouldn’t dare do anything more provocative.
I remember when our son Tony decided to sport a ponytail. My conservative husband was so appalled that he looked at the kid and said, "You aren’t really going to let anyone see you like that, are you?" All the more reason for Tony to keep the "tail"! For our son Tim it was a shaved head with a "lightening bolt" of hair over one ear! For our girls it was color! We lived through it, and so did they!
My theory was that if we allowed a little leeway when it came to faded jeans or unconventional hair, they were less likely to rebel over the big issues—namely modesty and chastity— for which there was no room for compromise.
Perpetuating the "Stone Age"
The mere mention of the "C" word (chastity) at our house automatically brought a predictable response: Shoulders shrugged, the hands went into the pockets, there’d be a long sigh and sometimes a painful groan as their facial expression took on a bored "here-we-go-again" look, along with the inevitable—eyes rolling upward!
They knew the "talk" was coming. Of course we heard the usual: "You told us all of that already." "We get enough of this at school." Or, my least favorite—"Trust me. Things are different for my generation. Your rules are archaic. This is the twenty-first century. You don’t know what the real world is like out there!" One son suggested we were "living in the Stone Age"!
What were some of our standards and "archaic rules" when it came to the "C" word? We told them:
Chastity is protecting your sexuality as the gift God intends it to be. It’s making a conscious commitment to control your sexual desires and save sexual intimacy for marriage. Never forget that you are made in God’s own image and likeness. Your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit.
Sexual intimacy belongs in marriage. Sex outside of marriage is sinful and a violation of God’s plan. It is also selfish—putting personal desires ahead of the spiritual, emotional, and physical well-being of others. It demonstrates a lack of self-control and brings sin into a relationship that should be fostering respect and love. Like stealing, it’s taking something profound and precious that doesn’t belong to you, but is reserved for those who are married.
It can be dangerous. Every sexual act outside of a committed married relationship is open to the possibility of pregnancy, venereal disease, STDs, and AIDS. Only chastity (including abstinence) works 100 percent.
Don’t let anyone talk you out of the gift of your sexuality. And don’t believe "everyone is doing it." They’re not.
Treat yourself and others as a gift. Respect for others builds character and self-control. It demonstrates that you are trustworthy and a person of moral integrity. Guys—take the lead. Treat every girl as a lady. You will never regret it. Girls—set the tone. Let him know by your manner, language, and dress that your standards are high. A good man will respect and admire you.
Set your limits. Avoid persons, places, or situations that could compromise your standards. Choose friends who believe as you do. Avoid those who could pull or persuade you to abandon your goals and principles.
Remember, a kiss and other signs of affection are something special. They are never things to be given away loosely or merely in exchange for a favor or date. They are part of you!
Dress modestly. Your clothing, language, and actions represent you. Modesty shows respect for your body and for others. (This rules out bikinis and low-cut, revealing, and skimpy attire.)
No single dating before 16. Children are impressionable and need time to prepare for the responsibility that goes with dating. This allows time for maturity and gives them something to look forward to. (Our kids never liked this rule, but most thanked us later!)
No coed "visits" in bedrooms. Bedrooms are reserved for changing clothes, reading, and sleeping. They are not a place for television, games, or "hanging out"—especially with the opposite sex. Bringing dates or "friends" to a bedroom area is not only too casual but sends the wrong message. It can be tempting and an occasion of sin (pardon the "Stone Age" expression) in some situations.
No coed "sleepovers," unchaperoned parties, overnight camping, or all-night events. Period. Even the best-made plans can spin quickly out of control when dates become sleepless marathons or endless hours of partying and togetherness. When the evening is over, you belong at home in your own bed.
No lying together on sofas or in positions that you know to be tempting. Being around family or double dating is safer and healthier than too much time alone.
Pray. Stay close to the Church. God will give you the grace. Always remember there is no temptation bigger than God’s grace. Remember, too, that we love you and pray for you every day!
Talking about the "C" word was never comfortable, but for my husband and me it was well worth the rolled eyes. After all, we’re not their buddies—we’re the mom and dad who want to guide them to their ultimate goal—heaven!
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Mary Ann Kuharski is a homemaker and mother of 13. An author and former columnist in Lay Witness, she is the director of PROLIFE Across AMERICA, a non-profit organization that uses billboards and the media to provide positive, persuasive pro-life messages. Visit www.prolifeacrossamerica.org for more information. Article reproduced with permission from Lay Witness magazine. Copyright © Catholics United for the Faith. All rights reserved.
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