How fruitful should we be?

Jesus said to be fruitful and to multiply but, how do we know how many children to have? What if you want more and your spouse does not?

You can't sort out everything before marriage, but this is certainly a question that should be discussed between a couple before they marry, and a broad plan made. It can only be a broad plan, a general outline, because little in our lives is fixed. Circumstances change. But it is good to talk about it fully and absolutely honestly before marriage because then each person knows how the other feels about this question. It is also good because the discussion before marriage underlines the fact for both husband and wife that this is a very important question in any marriage. The couple should know before they marry that it must be discussed and decided between themselves. It is not one of them who makes the decision about children. Both must take part in the decision making.

(This is true of many less important questions which should be brought up between the couple before they marry. That is why time to know each other before marriage, and each other's opinions and feelings on various things is so important. Even questions like, "Who will put out the rubbish?"; "Who will do the shopping?"; "Will both help with the cooking?")

It is good to have as many children as you can - not "as you are physically able to", but with prayer, and reflection on your own situation and income, for example, and the possibilities of your career. For example, if you need to do more study to better your career, or move to another place, then you might think it best to wait a bit for your next child. The Church leaves that up to each couple, only urging couples to be generous and asking them not to wait until everything is absolutely comfortable and they have all the material things they need before enlarging their family. In other words, not to wait just until they can "conveniently afford" more children. (It is the same with almsgiving, which should not just be practised when we can give conveniently, without missing the money.) The keynote in all these things is really generosity because God was generous in creating and remains generous. Generosity and trust in God. After all, many of us come from families which did not have a great deal of money, but no one starved, everyone managed, and love abounded.

Supposing you cannot agree? This must be worked at. If you need help in deciding (and there are definite ways and steps in making a decision), then you may need some help - a "facilitator", that is, a person who can help you come to an agreement, and should be someone you both respect. That person is not going to make any decision for you, but will help you to see each other's point of view, and often we need a person like that. It might be a friend or a member of the family who is absolutely fair, a parish priest, a Sister, a professional counsellor. But not someone who wants to force their own point of view on you.

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