If Heaven Had Voice Mail
by Fr. Jack McArdle with Aneel Aranha
Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.
Most of us have learned to live with "automated answering services" now as a necessary part of our daily lives. But have you ever wondered what it would be like if God decided to install voice mail? Imagine praying and hearing the following:
Thank you for calling Heaven.
Please select one of the following options:
Press 1 for Requests
Press 2 for Thanksgiving
Press 3 for Complaints
Press 4 for all other inquiries
I am sorry, all of our angels and saints are busy helping other sinners right now. However, your prayer is important to us and we will answer it in the order it was received. Please stay on the line.
If you would like to speak to:
God, Press 1
For Jesus, Press 2
For the Holy Spirit, Press 3
If you would like to hear King David sing a Psalm while you are holding, Press 4
To find a loved one that has been assigned to Heaven, Press 5, then enter his or her social security number (PRSI), followed by the pound sign.
(If you receive a negative response, please hang up and try area code 666.)
For reservations at Heaven, please enter J-O-H-N followed by the numbers 3-16.
For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, the age of the earth, life on other planets, and where Noah's Ark is, please wait until you arrive.
Our computers show that you have already prayed today. Please hang up and try again tomorrow. This office is now closed for the weekend to observe a religious holiday. Please pray again on Monday, after 9:30 AM.
If you are calling after hours and need emergency assistance, please contact your local parish priest.
In case you didn't quite figure it, that was how we expect our prayers to be answered, but not quite the manner in which God answers them. Pray from the heart, pray with faith, and pray with persistance.
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